Rethinking Parenting

by Charlie Carroll

I remember when I thought one of my main responsibilities as a parent was to establish and enforce rules. Yeah, about that. It turns out, raising emotionally stable adults isn't about making sure they follow every single rule (obedience), as much as it’s about trust and a deep sense of (radically unconditional) safety. Shocking, right?

Obedience vs Trust

We've been led to believe that strict rules and iron-fisted obedience make us great parents. "Eat your vegetables!" "Do your homework!" "Put your laundry away!" Sure, these directives keep things somewhat orderly, but they also make kids think they're only wanted (is this the best word? I don’t know.) when they follow the rules. Fast forward to adulthood, and we wonder why they have trust issues and lose themselves while trying to keep everyone else happy. Oops.

Trust and Safety

Trust is the bridge that lived experience must cross if it’s going to make an impact. No trust, no impact. Afraid someone else is going to teach your kids about drugs, drinking, or sex? They probably will, especially if your kids can't trust you with the things they are curious or shy about. And **it's when our kids screw up royally** that the greatest opportunity for building trust exists. Every interaction with our children either builds or destroys trust. And don't forget your (or their) emotions. Why expect them to control their emotions if we can't control ours?

My kids trusting me with their emotions and imperfections is more important to me than anything else. Why? Because nothing else can be given to them if they don't trust me. (I don’t know that I understand this line)

How to make your kids feel seen and heard (yes, even when they're driving you nuts):

  1. Time: Show them you enjoy their presence and spending time with them.
  2. Respect: Treat them as equals when it comes to their desire to be heard.
  3. Understanding: Validate their emotions. Show them their feelings matter.
  4. Celebrate: Positive vibes encourage them to keep trying, believe it or not.

Moving Forward

Let's rethink our primary purpose as parents—less focus on being the police and more on creating trust. Maybe one day they'll actually thank you for it. Or at least complain about you less to their therapist :-)