Self-Interest vs. Selfishness

Selfishness is that ugly habit of putting your needs above everyone else's.

Self-Interest, on the other hand, is about recognizing and honoring your needs, uniqueness, and calling, ensuring you’re abundant enough to authentically love others. Confusing these two can trap you in cycles of disorientation and loss for some of the following reasons:

• Uniqueness: You might feel selfish for acknowledging your own needs. In truth, it’s essential for your well-being. Your uniqueness is your gift to the world, so it has to be fostered and cherished.
• Numbness: Big feelings become scary if you label them as selfish. Emotions are your soul’s way of speaking – don’t silence them; they’re trying to tell you something important.
• Enmeshment: Avoiding ‘selfishness’ might lead you to lose yourself in others, thinking independence is sinful. But true independence allows you to connect deeply without losing yourself.
• Paralysis: Making decisions for yourself feels wrong, even though you do it well for others. Trust your ability to choose what's best for you; it's an act of self-love.
• Neglect: Constantly putting others first can leave you unable to identify what you need. You deserve to be a priority in your own life.

The Danger

Many of us grew up hearing, “Be the servant of all.” Some of us have accidentally internalized this to mean negating our own needs—if we can recognize we have them. But even the most selfless acts are almost always driven by self-interest.

Confusing self-interest for selfishness creates dangerous levels of self-deception. Truth be told, most of us are unaware of the benefits of self-interest, which sets us up to carry resentment as we hypocritically judge others' acts of self-interest.

Examples

Picture the elderly man who volunteers every Saturday morning at the local soup kitchen. Why does he do it? Because he believes it’s best for him—potentially guided by an idea like “the Bible tells me so.”

Parents who take their young children to the foreign mission field are also acting in their own selfinterest. They believe it’s the right thing for them to do. Why? Because ultimately they believe such an act is more rewarding for them, even if that reward is something to be received once they get to heaven. We call it self-interest.

Sometimes we act in self-interest by avoiding things like a difficult conversation. Instead of telling someone it’s not a good time, we give them time we don't have—maybe even time meant for our child's sporting event or recital. Not wanting to make someone feel bad, which would make us feel bad, we choose to stay and listen. We call this self-interest.

The Heart of the Matter

Understanding the difference between self-interest and selfishness isn't just a mental exercise; it's one way to reclaim your life. By honoring your needs, you build a foundation of authenticity from which you can honor others because you know how to honor yourself.

Doing what I think is best for me is not selfishness. It’s self-interest and we all have it, even if we label it “christlikeness.” Selfishness, on the other hand, is you wanting me to do what you think is best for me. And, in the spirit of self-interest, I’ll respond to others’ opinions by moving confidently towards honoring my own needs.